Confessional time!

I have some friends who are under the mistaken impression that I'm really good at this "diet" thing. They think I have incredible willpower and that they, somehow weaker than I, could never do it.

So we're going to get real here.

Earlier, I said that my diet today was on track. That was true.

Was.

Then I decided I really needed chocolate. I made the mistake of believing myself. I gave in.

I didn't even have something worth eating. I don't keep snack foods in the house, as a general rule, because I am weak. I have odds and ends, some of which I forget about, none of which I would think of putting together. Tonight, I found some marshmallows on a high shelf in my kitchen. I combined these with graham crackers and a handful of chocolate chips to have S'mores.

Any of you who've ever struggled with weight loss know what comes next.

I hated myself. That's what I felt, first. Part of this journey is understanding (and respecting) the fact that calories matter and only by creating a calorie deficit can I lose weight. And so putting another who-knows-how-many calories into my body makes me upset. I hated myself because I've created more work.

I hated myself because I know how hard these cravings are to beat, and every time I give in, the next time is that much harder to fight. It's petty, but I hated myself for giving in.

And then, I felt something else. Nausea. That's where I am right now. I'm still angry, but mostly I just feel barfy, partly from the sugar and partly from the overwhelming frustration. I'm so sick to my stomach right now, guys.

S'mores are not worth it.

This is why, when people tell me "It's okay to cheat", I get so irritated. Because for me, it's not. These are rules I set for myself, with hopes and dreams riding on the backs of those rules. No, it's not the end of the world. Yes, I'll still get up tomorrow and go to the gym, and I'll hit it extra hard to make up for tonight. It'll all be okay.

Meanwhile, I'll be having words with myself about promises and not breaking them, even when the promises were only to myself.

Oh, and right now? I'm throwing those chocolate chips away, and I'll flex my massive biceps in an intimidating fashion while doing it. That'll show 'em.