Keeping my eye on the prize

You would think that the days that challenge my resolve the most are the ones like Monday, where I'm pushed to my limit and exhausted nearly to tears, where my trainer's words resonate deeply and strike fragile parts of me: This is how you lose pounds. Do it again.

But they're not. Not really.

See, I'm a runner by nature. Not the sort that gets on treadmills, but the sort that runs from difficult situations and never looks back. If I don't have a chance to run, I step up and confront my fears. That's what makes me stronger.

Given half a chance, though, I'm out the door. I don't come back.

I think that's why my rest days can be so difficult for me. Those are the days when I get the chance to sit at home and think about all of this. How hard it is, maybe too hard. How long the road is. When I'm not doing, I'm thinking.

And when I'm thinking, I get into trouble. (Just ask my mother.)

So on those dangerous rest days, like today, I work twice as hard to keep my head in the game. Reminding myself of why I'm doing this and what's at stake. My fitness magazines have taken up permanent residence next to my bed and I flip through them before turning off the light. I've read all the articles a dozen times or more; my favorite magazine only comes out every two months, but I keep reading, hoping that every time I'll retain something new.

I remind myself of my injury, my torn ACL, and how I don't get to have it fixed. I didn't have insurance when it happened, so if I'm ever lucky enough to find coverage for myself again, ACL surgery probably won't be included. Strengthening what I have and reducing the burden of my body weight is critical.

I remind myself of the horses I used to ride and how badly I want to do it again. I rode regularly, several times a week, a few years ago. It was the most significant time of my life. In order to reclaim that, I need to get fit again.

I remind myself that, somewhere out there, there's a pair of booty shorts with JUICY on the butt, just for me. I want to wear them before I'm 40. I will love them.

And I remind myself that I deserve this. I can achieve this. I'm already achieving it.

Two hours ago, when I sat down to write this blog post, I failed. I felt unhappy and uninspired. It wasn't until I'd packed my things away and crawled into bed that I realized that this feeling is what blogging was made for. Overcoming this feeling is what this blog was made for.

Thank you all for giving me another reminder. Back to the gym tomorrow, no excuses.